Part Two of Three: Understanding and Addressing the Complexity of Domestic and Intimate Partner Violence: Barriers to Leaving.

Why did she stay? Why did she leave? Why did she return?

These are questions that the women and girls who endure unspeakable acts of partnered violence can answer. Some have unearthed the power of their voices and shared why they stayed and the power it took to leave—courageous and powerful women like Sally Khan, a famous fashion designer from Trinidad and Tobago. Tarelle Julien is an educated communications professional and flight attendant. And the popular U.S. talk show host Meredith Vieira. Other remarkable women of grit and power, like Sania Khan from Chicago and Samantha Issacs from Trinidad and Tobago, who dared to challenge their abuser’s control and unhealthy use of power, unfortunately, paid the price for leaving with their blood. And from some, we will never hear the answers, for they took those answers with them to the grave.

Anecdotal stories, women and girls unearthing the power of their voices, the work of frontline community and organizational leaders, and research are some of the ways we can get a glimpse into why women of all social and economic classes and ethnicities stay, leave, or return to violent partners. A lack of understanding of the dynamics of partnered violence can contribute to victim blaming, enabling unhealthy social and cultural norms and inadequate responses to addressing the problem, which can perpetuate the issues that exist. 

Questions and Apathy?

Some of the most popular questions that emerge when information surfaces about a woman or girl killed due to a vicious act of violence, returning to a partner who manifests violence, or remaining in an abusive relationship are “Why is she staying?” or “Why did she return?” and most profoundly the question “Why didn’t she just leave?” Some people may go as far as to say, “She did not leave because she liked the first slap.” then well-meaning women would begin to talk about how they left abusive relationships, moving the discourse from the woman or girl at hand and centering it on themselves as being the saviors of themselves by themselves. How people recount their stories after liberation can either facilitate environments of blame or empowerment allowing others to draw inspiration, hope, and connection. Or be discouraged and step back.

Every woman who leaves violent relationships and lives to share their stories is an invisible leaders who walk among us, and their strength, planning skills, demonstration of resilience, and grit must never be devalued. And society must not categorize based on their violent experiences. They are living examples of what it looks like to live strong in the face of harrowing experiences, and it is a remarkable demonstration and testament of the human spirit to create a value-driven life from the things that happened to them. Every facet of their identities must be honored, centering their successes, power, and leadership, for in their successes lies one of the most hated aspects of every perpetrator. No woman or girl who escaped the deadly clutches of partnered violence did so without some type of external support. Leaving a violent and abusive partner or environment comes at a significant cost. Even with support, it’s a long, daunting, and sometimes lonely road that women and girls trek shouting “freedom” while working to reconstruct their lives with the hopes of embracing a better future.

Others pose questions not because they are uncaring but rather because their questions come from a more profound place of feeling helpless and overwhelmed by the acts of continuous violence they witness or read about. Exposure to repetitive violence within families, communities, organizations, or reading about it in the news can contribute to apathy and questioning trying to make sense of what has happened. Many respond by providing logical reasonings after reading or listening to incidents of violence against women, and logic is good.

However, logical reasoning often exits the room when a gun is staring one in the face when a crisis occurs. When the impact of a loaded fist is felt minutes later, or when one is dragged around a room like a ragged doll, logical reasoning jumps out the door, and shock, fear, fright, flight, passivity, compliance, or flee steps in. I recall speaking with Monique (not her real name) and listening to her state, “Ms. Sherna, I am a professional woman, I have a PhD, I educate others, I train and support corporate companies to realize their goals.” She said, “I had all the logical responses for my friends who talked about their experiences with partners or colleagues who crossed boundary lines. I thought I would have known what to do. After all, I had the information and studied the red flags. I was equipped. Until I met a man who romanced me off my feet. I cannot even recall when the progression of the abuse started or how, but I felt its brutality. Today, after personal and family history mapping, I am in a much better place…” she said with hope in her eyes. 

Leaving Comes with Risks and Staying Enables a Breeding Ground for Violence.

When a woman or girl leaves a violent and abusive environment, they do so at the risk of their life as perpetrators are unpredictable, do not give up control quickly, and will use psychological tactics to influence a woman or girl to return. When women and girls return, perpetrators exact a type of unimaginable vengeful violence and punishment against them for leaving, and the manifestation of violence often escalates and can even result in the death of the woman. Leaving violent relationships is not only a physical act (which many people focus on), nor should it be isolated to a period of exit; it is also a psychological act, and women who experience violence require holistic psychosocial, financial, health, educational, and spiritual responses. 

Issues Related to Leaving Violent Relationships and Accessing Temporary Shelters

When a woman leaves a domestic violence situation and enters a temporary shelter, her stay is short-term, with a minimum of eight weeks to approximately six to 12 months (the latter is in rare cases). Most temporary shelters do excellent work; however, many are overburdened and do not have the human resources, finances, training, or physical space to adequately accommodate and support women and girls on a long-term basis. There are some shelters whose staff perpetuate a different level of violence and abuse against women and girls, which may contribute to women leaving shelters before the time. For countries with small populations, the issue of everyone knowing each other may arise, and the unconscious or conscious breach of confidentiality can lead to perpetrators showing up at temporary shelters and removing women and girls who have sought protection and safety.

Another issue that arises is that many women and girls who seek the services of temporary shelters are unaware of the strict operating and security measures of some shelters. For example, some shelters do not accept children; there may exist no internet or phone usage; women may have to seek permission regarding their movements, or women and girls are unable to leave the physical space for the duration of their stay; thus, if a woman is employed, she would not show up to work for approximately eight weeks, an employer may view her absence as abandonment leading to dismissal. When a woman leaves a shelter if she does not have substantive and responsive support such as housing, education, employment, personal development training, mental health support, mobility mentors, and access to human-centric law enforcement and legal systems to help her reconstruct her life, she will end up in a vortex of violence that may result in femicide or accepting that living in a whirlpool of violence is her lot and resign to herself to it.

Women and Girls Who Experience Violence Must Not be Categorized Using One Aspect of their Identity

When asking questions such as “Why did she stay?” issues related to the identity of women and girls must be considered. Women have various aspects that form their identities, such as socioeconomic class, educational level, race and ethnicity, religious beliefs, health status, invisible and visible disabilities, family, sexual orientation, geographical location, gender and social roles, profession, access to resources, social connections, and support. Women and girls who experience violence must not be categorized using one aspect of their identity. Their experience with violence and history of the same, including the embodiment of their identities, ought to be integrated into dialogues, planning, and support systems. As aspects of a woman’s identity may place her at a higher risk for victimization. Foreign-born women and those who belong to minority and marginalized groups experience higher rates of violence and bear life-long health impacts than women who do not belong to these groups.

Factors that Contribute to Women and Girls Staying, Leaving, or Returning to Domestic and Intimate Partner Violence Relationships

Women and girls who choose to stay, leave, or return to domestic and intimate partner relationships should not be judged, shamed, isolated, or categorized by the broader society. The idea of not judging women does not mean that women and girls should not acquire the skills and knowledge needed to be self-aware and live consciously safe and secure lives, tapping into education to enhance their physical, relational, economic, and psychological self-defense at the same time, they ought to be building solid social capital system. Societies are responsible for establishing a culture of empathy, care, and human-centered social sustainability systems coupled with robust laws and preventative mechanisms to assist women in unearthing their leadership, autonomy, voice, and agency to reconstruct their lives. 

When discourses related to women leaving domestic and intimate partner relationships arise, the following are some of the factors that may act as barriers to their leaving:

1. Norms Related to Parental Abandonment and Societal Mothering Institutions Many women are faced with thoughts related to parental abandonment when they consider social norms related to the “good mothering institution’ established by society. These norms move many women to compare their own mothering experiences. As such, many women, when considering leaving domestic and intimate partner violence relationships, engage in a self-negotiation process regarding their mothering when thinking about leaving their children behind. They also wonder if the shelter will accept them and their children or if they often endure overwhelming legal processes relating to custody, at the same time thinking about the impact that exposure to violence has on their children. Many also think about the economic lifestyle of their children, school disruption, and their children’s personal goals. Additionally, perpetrators may use their influence to skew children’s view of their mother, and perpetrators can also use their influence externally, presenting their partner as a “bad mother,” thus drawing from widespread social norms related to “mothering institutions.”

• Public Stigma Dominant groups in society set out rules that place women in boxes related to gender roles. These groups prescribe how women should behave and what is expected of them, policing their bodies, movements, and behaviors, publicly shaming women and girls for not complying with dominant or traditional societal rules. Society has a significant role to play in the prevention of domestic and intimate partner violence and can support women when they leave. Women who are not physically in the home caring for and raising their children are often labeled by many in society as “bad women and bad mothers.” One of the dominant gender roles regarding women is that they must be present in the lives of their children, and they must answer to society regarding anything about their children. For example, if a group sees a young child walking on the street asking for food or if a child manifests unhealthy behaviors in public, one of the first questions is, “Where is your mother?” or “Your mother did not train you well.”

• Economic Dependency: Many women remain in domestic and intimate partner violence relationships due to a lack of economic security and independence. Financial instability is a crucial factor in why many women stay or return to abusive partners, as they have become financially dependent on their abusive partners. Women may not have a bank account in their name or any savings or investments that they can use as an economic safety net when they leave. Many are unemployed, and some do not have formal education, which they can leverage after leaving. The lack of formal education can make it extremely difficult for women to gain employment after they leave. Economic stability is a primary reason many women remain or return to violent relationships. The establishment of gender-responsive and transformative financial systems, investing in business and entrepreneurship for women, developing financial and business education to strengthen women’s capacity, increasing the minimum wage, and developing social sustainability systems to address poverty are some measures that can help prevent violence against women and support them when they leave.

• Housing Insecurity, the question most women ask themselves is, “Where do I go?” Generally, women who do not experience violence undergo extreme emotional and economic distress when pursuing housing stability. Rental costs are excessive, and many women are “working poor.” Even though they are in full-time employment, they live below the poverty line as established by many countries. Millions of women live below the poverty line and experience the hardship being under-resourced brings. They cannot meet their monthly commitments or adequately respond to the needs of their family without financial distress and hardship. Women who lack the resources to meet all the requirements for rent, mortgage, and loan applications face a higher chance of being homeless or engaging in serial moving. Sourcing financing for homeownership can be daunting, and the waiting list for government housing often extends into decades. Women who leave a domestic violence relationship require transitional housing support that can provide long-term residential housing for them to stabilize their unstable lives.

• Family Support: family support plays an essential role in supporting women who leave violent relationships. The lack of such support can act as a barrier; many women who experience domestic and intimate partner violence do not have the support of their families to exit such relationships. The family is one of the bedrock of society. Sadly, we live in societies where many families are fragmented, and healthy relational and social homeostasis is absent. Families with a history of fragmentation, being under-resourced, and residing in marginalized communities may lack the knowledge, tools, and resources to support their family members who leave violent relationships. Social and economic instability of families can act as a significant barrier as family members may also be struggling with substantial issues that adversely impact their lives, their functioning, and their ability to support survivors.

Some women may receive family support even then; navigating those family experiences can be challenging. Some families may not open their doors to relatives who experience domestic violence as they may have a real fear for their safety and security based on the unpredictability of the perpetrator’s behaviors or their threats. Other factors can include maintaining a social reputation within the community that overflows into their professional lives, societal and cultural norms, and religious ideologies, including significant financial constraints, housing insecurity, vicarious trauma, and feeling ill-equipped to deal with the situation.

• Psychological Dynamics: Domestic violence cuts across women’s educational, social, economic, religious, geographical, and family status; it impacts women regardless of their race and ethnicity or social stratification position. The human mind is one of the most powerful and complex organs in the body and the most vulnerable. At the same time, our mind shapes our thought processes related to who we are, how we see ourselves, and the future we envision. Social environments and experiences also contribute to the way people see themselves. Unhealthy behaviors and adverse childhood and life experiences can contribute to skewed thought processes that build unhealthy thinking pathways about the self and others.

Psychological abuse can adversely affect highly educated women, women of privilege, women from low-income communities, and minority and marginalized women. It contributes to them being utterly co-dependent on the abuser, who in turn controls, manipulates, influences their actions, and punishes or sweeps them off their feet, especially if the abuser feels they are losing control, sense resistance, or perceive external interference. Abusers see women as objects who they own, train, and control. Psychological abuse can be overt or covert, leading to damaging mental health and physical effects. It can take women an extended time to break and overcome the psychological hold even when women leave the physical environment. Exposure to psychological abuse can also lead to various emotional responses, including but not limited to the following:

1. Trauma Bonding occurs when women experience repeated cycles of abuse followed by positive reinforcement. Trauma bonding may show up differently based on the relationship. It’s the emotional or psychological dynamics that occur, making it difficult for women to leave abusive partners. Exposure to the cyclical patterns of abuse followed by positive reinforcement contributes to the victim forming strong emotional bonds with their abuser, who is causing them immense harm. The abuser follows the pattern of abuse where they shower the woman with praises and gifts, use apologetic words, and sweep the woman off her feet. They may lash out with violent outbursts a few weeks or days later, followed by apologetic words, gifts, and external acts of ‘love.’ Such acts would foster positive reinforcement as the woman internalizes the acts as love and a reward that reduces tension and pain. Positive reinforcement triggers the release of the feel-good hormone dopamine; when coupled with intimacy and physical affection, oxytocinis released, which can further solidify a bonding experience.

Trauma bonding is one-directional, victim to abuser. The victim may even see themselves as the one who needs to change so the abuser can stop their series of violence; they may believe that they can help the abuser change, they may protect the abuser, shower the abuser with acts of love, be compliant, and empathize with the abuser. They may also rationalize the abuse; for example, if the abuser lost their job and violently lashed out, the victim may rationalize that it’s because the abuser lost their job and they are going through a difficult period in their life. After the job loss, the victim may use another issue to rationalize the behaviors of the abuser.

• Learned Helplessness is when a person repeatedly experiences different forms of violence, is continually exposed to violence (for example, children who constantly witness violence), or experiences highly stressful or adverse situations that are out of their control. For example, there is a constant lack of food and the need to live in a survival mode. They begin to internalize the repeated incidents or experiences as unavoidable and perceive that they cannot control or change the events, thus resigning themselves to the conditions under which they live. If opportunities for help and support present themselves, such individuals can have challenges embracing opportunity as the adverse psychological experience can impair their decision-making. Learned helplessness can contribute to fatalistic thinking, reduced trust, anxiety, depression, low self-worth, and not seeking support.

• Social Capital Social capital includes the social relationships, shared values, connections, and bonds people have with others within families, communities, clubs, networks, work, school, or church. Social capital facilitates environments and relationships that enable people to connect, access resources, request favors, ask for help, or seek support. Social Capital is an essential part of the human experience and the prevention of domestic and intimate partner violence. It can provide a buffer to assist women to leave and recover from their exposure to violence and abuse.

There are three forms of social capital (bonding, bridging, and linking) that can provide opportunities for women to advance at the micro, meso, and macro levels. Social capital can also present benefits and challenges or be used in unhealthy ways by institutions and groups. When women are in violent relationships, one of the tactics of the perpetrator is to isolate them from their support systems, social circles, and networks. Long-term isolation disconnects people and diminishes social capital, making it difficult for women who experience violence to reach out to social connections they have not communicated with in months or years. There is that adage “out of sight, out of mind.” Thus, maintaining a connection with women, no matter how limited, can act as a bridge and protective buffer, developing pathways for women to reach out when and if they decide to leave.

• Laws, Law Enforcement, and Legal Systems: while many countries have laws regarding domestic and intimate partner violence, the lack of their operationalization can be problematic, including the absence of monitoring and evaluation to measure their effectiveness and success, which can enable a culture of violence and reduce women and girls trust and confidence in governments, law enforcement, and legal systems to protect them. There is also the issue of antiquated laws that do not address emerging forms of violence against women and girls, like technology-facilitated gender-based violence, human trafficking, organized crime and gang activities, femicide, and violence against women and girls in the context of natural disasters and hazards, and pandemics. 

There continue to be many changes to law enforcement and legal systems that seek to establish units to respond to incidents and reports of domestic and intimate partner violence; such progress ought to be highlighted and commended. Many police and judicial officials provide excellent services despite institutional process challenges. However, women and girls can be re-victimized and re-traumatized when engaging with law enforcement and legal systems. The lack of gender-responsive systems can facilitate institutional barriers, biased attitudes and behaviors, insensitive handling of cases, and skewed investigative and legal processes. 

Limited gender-sensitive training for law enforcement and judicial officials and their lack of understanding of the dynamics of domestic and intimate partner violence can act as barriers undermining women and girls’ trust and confidence in these systems to report. These institutions are also overburdened and under-resourced, and many operate with processes that require reform; these issues can contribute to delayed access to justice and provide inadequate legal protection to women and girls. Delayed access to justice can discourage the reporting of violence and contribute to skewed public opinions about such institutions. It can also lead to high financial and emotional costs for women, reducing their participation in legal processes and abandoning legal matters before the court.

While the abovementioned factors are not exhaustive, they paint a picture of women’s challenges. Domestic and intimate partner violence traps women psychologically, physically, economically, socially, and relationally. Keep women in an insidious prison with open doors. Psychological abuse strips women of their human dignity and self-worth. It facilitates an environment where women’s mental models are continually in survival mode, thus diminishing their hope, aspirations, and vision of a future without violence as they slowly begin to accept their circumstances as their fate.

We can all do better and take action to create nonviolent environments and relationships. Look out for part three, which discusses what we can all do to prevent and respond to domestic and intimate partner violence.

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Understanding and Addressing the Complexity of Domestic and Intimate Partner Violence: Barriers to Leaving Part One of Three.

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Recommended Citation, Benjamin, A. S. (2024). Part two of three: Understanding and addressing the complexity of domestic and intimate partner violence: Barriers to leaving. https://alexinnasolutions.com/2024/08/02/understanding-and-addressing-the-complexity-of-domestic-and-intimate-partner-violence-barriers-to-leaving-part-two-of-three/

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